fic commentary: tonight, i'll send the glow of a firefly

[heartofashes]

 

I usually do not do this sort of thing: write about writing, lay bare the thought processes that go behind crafting each word and sentence. But there’s something about this particular work, this particular pairing that begs me to do so, and I can go on and on about it for hours. So here you are, being subjected to the same.

First, here's a link to the fic itself, for better context on what I'm about to talk about :)

A few days ago, a (thoroughly passive-aggressive) curiouscat anon disparaged my choice to write meanie in 2021. I took their barely concealed sarcasm in jest, like I often do with the countless passive aggressive anons in my curiouscat askbox, but it did lead me to introspect more deeply about why meanie, why 2021, why they are so important to me in this specific time and place, and why writing the meanie roommates fic of my dreams felt so cathartic.

First things first, let’s go down memory lane a little. The year is 2017, and I am an impressionable baby carat watching the meanie xx stage, watching Mingyu carry around that little fox plushie to symbolise Wonwoo’s presence because Wonwoo was injured and unable to attend schedules, watching Mingyu and Wonwoo share inside jokes, subtle and poignant intimacies, calling each other best friend. Of course, I immediately, incorrigibly, loved them - I saw how fundamentally different they are as people (Mingyu heart-on-his-sleeve, open and obvious about his emotions; Wonwoo shy and reserved, holding his cards close to his chest), and how deeply they understood and gelled with each other despite it all; how well they complimented each other artistically and emotionally, how they didn’t really need words to communicate the depth of their sentiments. 

I think it was this specific dynamic that lured me in - the inherent romance of finding compatibility and connection despite being poles apart, the inherent romance of having different ways of expressing love and yet still, on a fundamental level, the love you embody being universal, being easy.

It’s tempting to disparage meanie as a pairing (just like the person in my curiouscat askbox did) because of the...reputation they have within the fandom, because of how - delusional (for lack of a better word) some of the shippers can be, how these very same shippers refuse to see the two boys beyond just their chemistry. And yet, even in 2021, meanie’s bond continues to remain special to me for the exact same reason I fell in love with them back in 2017: their combined sincerity, their infinite capacity for love.

And that is what I wanted to capture in tonight, i’ll send the glow of a firefly - the unmistakable, incomparable love and mutual understanding they share even today, how they occupy space together as roommates, how they care for each other in both subtle and poignant ways.

The idea of a roommate au was perhaps born around August-September 2020, when Mingyu and Wonwoo declared that they’re sharing rooms in their new dorm, and Wonwoo continuously kept praising Mingyu for being such a lovely person to live with, for always tidying up and taking charge of all the chores even when Wonwoo is too tired to pitch in. But perhaps, the seeds of the concept was planted even before that, when Wonwoo infused all his endless sweat and blood and dedication into unconditionally supporting Mingyu fulfil his artistic dream: filming the Snap Shoot Music Video. The fact that Wonwoo had procured an entire international driver’s license just to help Mingyu with filming in the US, the fact that he was there for Mingyu constantly for support, help and advice, that he led Mingyu to essentially discovering the immense passion he holds for filmmaking - all of it made me think about how Wonwoo, too, performs acts of service as his love language, except, his acts are quieter, more surreptitious.

And that is the entire thesis behind tonight, i’ll send the glow of a firefly: Mingyu’s acts of service being prominent and obvious, Wonwoo’s being more subtle, but no less meaningful, no less heart-wrenching.

The Inspirations:

Like many other fic writers, the inception of a fic idea is always immediately supplemented by curating a playlist, by finding the right soundtrack to capture the mood and feel of the story, of each and every character. As an avid lover of kdramas, and an avid admirer of the way kdramas are structured - I am endlessly fascinated by how music is often employed as a narrative device 0f it’s own, capturing each emotion a particular scene is trying to convey. I too attempt to emulate the same aesthetic in most of my writing, and hence, incorporate music as an essential addendum to my stories, each song on my curated playlist standing in for a particular scene, a particular emotion. This fic, too, started with a song.

IU’s Through The Night isn’t just a modern classic, isn’t just Wonwoo’s favourite song, but also an achingly tender portrayal of the beginnings of love, of learning to let your heart soar. And if there had to be the right song for this fic - which, too, is about learning to open your heart to love, about giving in to your longing - that would be it. Jasleen Royal and Prateek Kuhad’s Kho Gaye Hum Kahaan, a lesser-known bollywood ballad, was another song that I felt truly encompassed the depth of companionship and longing that Mingyu and Wonwoo share. The lyrics talk about escaping to a fantasy world with your lover, far away from the trappings of society - and essentially, Mingyu and Wonwoo’s apartment offers them that very same escape, because it is uniquely theirs, something they can find safety and comfort and mutual empathy in away from their starkly different worlds outside the walls of their apartment. It’s a song that is haunting, tender, and oddly fitting - especially if you click on the above link and watch the way the song is picturised. 

For the rest of the fic's playlist, you can click here. It's heard best in tandem with the story, because each song flows sequentially with each scene.

But it isn’t just the musical sensitivity of kdramas that inspire me, but also their remarkable dexterity with portraying slow burn, with portraying the building blocks of a relationship and how lingering touches and intimate glances can lead to something momentous and long-lasting. Kdramas are proof that you don’t always need physicality to convey the depth of affection, that the simple things convey enough, and this fic too, attempts to do the same. For the most part, Mingyu and Wonwoo quietly yearn. There’s shared camaraderie, shared understanding, meaningful conversations, meaningful touches, domesticity and companionship and everything in between. And when we build up to the final confession - even if it doesn’t feel like a big climax or big revelation, there’s immense catharsis, there’s immense love.

While I was writing this fic, I was watching two specific dramas that I drew hordes of inspiration from: Start-Up, and Run On. The male protagonists of both dramas have this penchant for immersing every inch of themselves into the acts of care and service they perform, and it’s no surprise that something like that deeply appealed to me, and deeply informed my portrayal of both Mingyu and Wonwoo, who are equally earnest, equally committed to caring for the people they love. In Start-Up, the male protagonist knits as self-care, and often gifts what he knits to the people around him in a show of his love and appreciation. As a dedicated knitter myself, I seriously contemplated incorporated knitting into this fic too - preferably, by making Mingyu the stress-knitter (since he already is a cross-stitcher in real life). I finally decided against it only because it would have increased the length of the fic by far too much, and I would have had to compromise on the cat scenes - which have been my favourite scenes to write out of every other scene I’ve written - and I was utterly unwilling to make that sacrifice. Among 0ther scenes that I conceived of, but ultimately discarded, included one where Wonwoo visits Mingyu on the set of a particularly salacious photoshoot, and has a minor sexuality crisis watching Mingyu model exceedingly skimpy clothes. This scene had somewhat of its roots in Run On - though the show has nothing to do with salacious photoshoots or sexual awakenings. On the show, there's this bit where the female protagonist shows up at a meeting with the male protagonist’s (who is a star athlete) agent, and so thoroughly holds her own under said agent’s pretty inappropriate lines of questioning, that the male protagonist is in complete awe. I too would have loved to write a scene where introverted PhD student Wonwoo, who is initially hesitant about whether or not he would fit in on the set of a fashion magazine photoshoot, holds his own before fashion industry giants, much to Mingyu’s complete awe and admiration. Of course, this too, was compromised for the sake of cutting down on length, but I like to think that an incident like this has definitely happened within the fic’s universe, even if it didn’t make it to the story itself.

The Jobs:

Making Wonwoo a PhD scholar has been the most disgustingly personal instance of projecting I have ever incorporated into anything I’ve ever written. As someone who almost became an academic but ultimately decided against it (due to mental health reasons), writing about Wonwoo pursuing his PhD and remaining utterly devoted and passionate about it till the very end was vicarious satisfaction and pure and complete self-indulgence. It’s how they say: if you can’t do it yourself, at least you can write a character who does it.

But as for how PhD programs actually work in South Korea, I surprisingly did not have to research that much, since it is not very different from the process in my own country. A PhD course is a five-year-commitment, and undergraduate degrees in South Korea consist of four years. So, say, in this fic, Wonwoo began college at age 18, and immediately went on to do his PhD right after finishing his undergraduate degree, so in the present timeline of the fic, he’s pushing 26 and is concluding the final semester of his PhD. The only minor creative liberty I took was with his dissertation defence - in South Korea, oral dissertation defences are actually uncommon, since it’s a written exam and the submission of the dissertation itself that determines whether or not you get your doctorate. But I just like the poetry of an oral defence, of how much more nervous someone like Wonwoo - who doesn’t quite like talking too much - would be if he had to face an actual graduate panel and answer their questions in person.

In my head, after Wonwoo gets his doctorate, he goes on to continue teaching at the university's Linguistics department, while also writing many interesting and amazing books on sociolinguistics alongside it, and later even becoming a freelance translator. 

For Mingyu’s job, too, research wasn’t as tough. Modeling agencies in South Korea work similarly to that of acting agencies (in fact, there are often overlaps between both), and my working knowledge of acting agencies was already decent enough because of my interest in the kdrama industry. I did, however, look up Vogue Korea’s cover models over the years, and it really is a gig that only the most high-profile names in fashion and entertainment get - many of which are often even international stars like Gwyneth Paltrow and Gigi Hadid. In this context, Mingyu’s excitement over bagging the Vogue cover shoot is a hundred percent justified, and his dismay at not being able to bring Wonwoo as his plus-one all the more palpable.

Though I have not explicitly spelled it out in the story, the Vogue cover does eventually end up opening many more doors for Mingyu, and he goes on to bag not just more such high-profile gigs, but also a few acting roles in several kdramas. Wonwoo, as always, is the most supportive boyfriend ever and personally distributes copies of magazines Mingyu graces the covers of, to his students - and yes, he finally does end up agreeing to be Mingyu’s plus-one at future Vogue parties to come.

The Apartment:

In a way, the apartment Mingyu and Wonwoo live in is a living, breathing character too. It’s where the majority of the story’s events play out, it’s where Mingyu and Wonwoo learn to memorise the planes of each other’s existence, it’s where Mingyu and Wonwoo share time and space, share their rarest and innermost thoughts with each other, where they find a kindred spirit in each other, and build a hearth and home. 

And hence, the layout of the apartment was extremely important to me. I put a lot of thought into the kind of space Wonwoo and Mingyu would want to live in, but also something they could actually afford, since Wonwoo barely earns enough and Mingyu is still living paycheck to paycheck in the specific timeline of this fic.
I immediately decided that the place would be minimalist. In the beginning, Wonwoo is living at the apartment on his own, and since he isn’t one for embellishments, for fancy decorations, he populates the place with sparse, utility-based furniture. Basic kitchen equipment, kitchen table, living room couch, TV, bed, and so on. But Mingyu, of course, is the opposite - he likes to bring a personal touch to the spaces he inhabits, likes to breathe life inbetween dull, desolate walls. So, of course, once Mingyu moves in, the apartment becomes a lot more… vibrant. The plants and succulents are not just something Mingyu personally loves, but are also a deliberate choice, to bring freshness and warmth to the place. Mingyu believes in feng shui, in the power of indoor plants to purify the air and their surroundings, and to bring joy and good luck - and so the plants and succulents are abundant, and Wonwoo kind of ends up loving them too because they truly do bring him joy. Mingyu also adds to Wonwoo’s collection of cutlery and kitchen utensils - because Mingyu is determined to cook homemade meals and is lowkey horrified at how bare-bones Wonwoo’s kitchen used to be before Mingyu moved in, lacking even something as customary as a clay pot. In the story, I mention Mingyu bringing home porcelain bowls he found at a discount in a local night market, and I imagine that’s a very regular occurrence. Saturday night markets are very common in the city I live in too, and you find some truly rare and brilliant home accessories in them sometimes, at startlingly discounted prices. My apartment too is full of an entire range of knicknacks and accessories I’ve found at markets like that, and well, I projected that onto Mingyu, because I’m me.

In the rough sketch I drew of their apartment as a visual cue (see above), I deliberately kept lots of open space in the extended living-cum-open-kitchen-and-dining area. I imagine that Wonwoo enjoys the open space, likes that there’s a window right where the kitchen/living room area is, from which ample sunlight filters in (fun fact: this is the same window I imagine Namsun the cat climbed through, the first time Wonwoo met her), where Mingyu’s bougainvilleas hang. The larger surface area of the kitchen table makes it a more preferable workspace for him, helps him spread out his notes everywhere and concentrate better. It’s something Mingyu loves, too, because he’s often puttering about in the kitchen when Wonwoo is working at the kitchen table, and can fondly gaze at Wonwoo from a distance with his trademark lovesick smile without Wonwoo noticing.

Coincidentally, the apartment layout also ended up becoming unintentionally inspired by Mijoo’s apartment from Run On, even if I conceived of it an entire month before Run On began airing.

Mijoo's apartment also has lots of open living room space, a beautiful open kitchen and a lovely kitchen table where many conversations between Mijoo and her roommate plays out.

This ended up being inadvertent, but was a happy coincidence regardless - it helped me gain more perspective on how a two-bedroom apartment in a humble Seoul neighbourhood would actually look like (and the neighbourhood Wonwoo and Mingyu live in is home to a huge student community, so perspective was all the more required). The apartment layout also draws minor similarities with the shared student housing I myself lived in when I was at University getting my Master’s degree. Even though that particularly apartment had a lot more than two bedrooms and housed 8 people in total, we had a sprawling common living room space, with a large wooden kitchen table where many of us would pull our caffeine-fuelled (or in my case, tea-fuelled) all-nighters.

It felt fitting to draw so much of my own experiences into shaping Wonwoo in particular, but also Mingyu - both of whom are not only extremely dear to me, but share many of my own traits. Most of all, I wanted this to be a story about the triumph of kindness, of teaching each other to be better, to love oneself, and I guess that's the underlying message of it all.

Some more little future scenarios I have thought up with regards to this fic's universe, that I may or may not explore in a future sequel:

- Wonwoo inspiring Mingyu to finally visit his hometown after years and years, so he can reconcile with his estranged family.
- Wonwoo's own mother visiting their apartment and Mingyu immediately charming the socks off her, and her instantly adopting him as her own within mere hours of knowing each other.
- Wonwoo bringing home a puppy for Mingyu, just like Mingyu had brought home cats for Wonwoo - to solidify the true union of their cat-person and dog-person ship dynamic
- Jeonghan and Mingyu truly becoming fast friends, and Mingyu and Wonwoo often going on double dates with Jeonghan and Seungcheol, where they do nerdy shit like teaching Mingyu how to play video games (which Mingyu ends up being ridiculously good at, and beats all of their high scores).